Uncle Belson’s Weekend Super RIGGED Rugby Wrap!

Uncle Belson’s Weekend Super RIGGED Rugby Wrap!

1st Jul 2018 Off By Belson Keating

Well chaps, old Uncle Belsonator has been LITERALLY inundated with requests to do match previews. While this impudent suggestion is under consideration by the BNN editorial board, the truth is that I am far more adept at analysing the past than predicting the future. After all, it’s hard to fight FAKE TRUTH before it’s actually happened! So here goes, my inaugural Super RIGGED Rugby weekend roundup.

Jaguares 25 – 14 Stormers

How many more lives does Robbie Fleck get as “coach” of the Stormers? What has the guy achieved since taking over the reins in 2016? Pretty much nothing. It’s more than two years later and the Stormers are just as clueless as they were under the almost equally as hapless Allister Coetzee. In fairness to Fleck, his appointment was a last minute decision after Eddie Jones, who had initially been appointed as Stormers coach to replace Coetzee, was cruelly snatched away by the Evil English who offered him LITERALLY piles of Her Majesty’s pesos in exchange for having to live and work in England. Hell, it wasn’t long ago that Fleck was openly telling the media that he’d been “thrown in the deep end” and that it would be great if Western Province could send him on a working holiday to Europe so he could shoot the breeze with Eddie Jones and basically just hang out in Europe to “close the gap” and somehow miraculously emerge as a qualified coach. By Belson, if this is what it takes to be a Super Rugby coach then sign me up! You just rock up unqualified, fail spectacularly and then ask the boss to send you on holiday to Europe! That’s LITERALLY my dream job! If that’s all that’s required then Uncle Belson will gladly throw his hat in the ring to go hang out with the Swedish ladies rugby team. I’m sure I could learn heaps teaching them the finer arts of rucking, mauling and lifting in the lineout!

But I digress…(this happens occasionally). Back to the Jaguares who DESTROYED the Stormers in Buenos Aires by scoring three scintillating tries to two. Regardless of Fleck’s apparent incompetence as a coach, one cannot deny the pace, power and athleticism of the Argentine team. Even Uncle Belson has to admit that!

 

Sunwolves 42 – 37 Bulls

What an absolute JOKE! How many times do South Africans have to lose to Japanese teams before we realise that they are not walkovers? Especially when they have hardly any Japanese players in their teams! The Bumble Bulls looked as lost and confused as a Pretoria farm boytjie at a vegan food festival. Pollard literally looked like he was sulking for having to fly all the way to Singapore to play a game of rugby.

But as pathetic as the Bulls were, they should have known things were going to be difficult the minute they saw the name of Kiwi ref, Ben O’Thief, on the match programme. The bloke let the Sunwolves get away with so many forward passes you’d have sworn he was choreographing an All Black RIGGED World Cup final. I’m sure the Kiwi trolls who have emerged from their caves to read my literary masterpiece will now go berserk in the comments section below. Well allow Uncle Belson to present the irrefutable evidence that LITERALLY every Sunwolves try was the illegitimate offspring of a forward pass:

Exhibit A (0:28 in the YouTube video)

 

Exhibit B (1:00 in the YouTube video)

 

Exhibit C (3:18 and 3:34 in the YouTube video)

 

Exhibit D (4:23 in the YouTube video)

 

Exhibit E (4:50 and 4:53 and 4:54 in the YouTube video)

The final try came off not one, but TWO forward passes. First some fat bloke playing for the Sunwolves committed a blatant forward pop pass and then one Jason Emery – a known Kiwi surprise, surprise – pulled off a forward pass of such spectacular proportions that you’d have thought he was auditioning for the Dallas Cowboys quarterback position.

    

 

Shorks 31 – 24 Lions

Where do I begin with this absolute Durban debacle? The Lions dominated possession and territory in the opening exchanges, racking up three tries before halftime thanks to the incredible efforts of Ruan Combrinck, Cyle Brink and Kwagga Smith. That saw them go into the break with a handy 21-11 lead. But it was all in vain. The Shorks hit back right after halftime with a try by Andre Esterhuizen and then later with a magnificent intercept by Lwazi Mvovo. Add this to the opening try of the game scored by Daniel du Preez and a 16 point haul from the boot of his namesake Robert, and the Shorks had the game wrapped up. WTF Lions? It was almost as horrible watching this on-field disintegration as it was having to listen to Butch James’ commentary. But something tells me all is not well at Ellis Park. The players are leaving in droves. Of course, coach Swys de Bruin assures us he foresees a long future of success at the union. Sure you do Swys. I’d also be saying that if I were on your salary.

 

Blues 39-16 Reds

Hahahaha. The best part about this game was listening to part-time Kiwi and wannabe Aussie Brad Thorn whinge about the ref after the game for sending off two of his players. Suck it up sunshine. That’s what happens when you’re not wearing a magical All Black jersey to shield you from the laws of rugby.

 

Chiefs 45 – 22 Highlanders

This All Kiwi affair took place in the New Zealand province of Fiji and involved everything we’ve come to expect from All Pacific rugby: blatant forward passes that go ignored by the ref, NFL style blocking tactics and headlocks more suited to MMA. Nevertheless, it was probably a great recruitment drive for New Zealand who most likely managed to sign up a couple dozen Fijian flyers for their Super RIGGED rugby teams.

 

 

Brumbies 24 – 12 Hurricanes

To be honest, I fell asleep during this game. But who cares, the Kiwis LOST! LOL!

 

Waratahs 31 – 26 Rebels

Didn’t even bother watching. Does anyone other than Phil Kearns (and maybe TrINuts) actually bother watching ‘Strayan rugby?

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