The 2018 Rugbytainment™ Awards!

The 2018 Rugbytainment™ Awards!

11th Dec 2018 Off By Belson Keating

Well boys, after a long, hard year of MAKING RUGBY GREAT AGAIN the one true Belson has donned his thinking cap and compiled a list of deserving winners for the inaugral awards ceremony. In the name of transparency, decency and professionalism I have enlisted the help of two independent analysts, Mrs Suzie Keating and agent Al Titude, to assist me in this important task. After several days of hard drinking and only three of Mrs Keatings trademark bathroom “episodes” I am pleased to announce that we have finally arrived at a list of final winners. 

1. Rugby Journalist of the Year: Belson Keating

As they say in the classics: “There can be only one!” That’s right folks, the one true Belson has been selected by our handpicked panel of independent judges as the greatest rugby journalist the world has ever seen. That means all future awards are pre-emprively awarded to me too! 

Honourable Mention: Mark Reason was up for this until he penned some complete crap comparing Hillbilly Hansen to the God Emperor. That placed him firmly on my shit list, meaning the award automatically defaults to all my Belsonator fanboys who are helping me MAKE RUGBY GREAT AGAIN!

2. Rugby Site of the Year:

Is this even up for debate? You can scour the rugby universe but nowhere will you find a platform as renowned for its panache, passion and commitment to free speech. Viva Rugbytainment. Viva!

Honorary mention: The Belson Stable-Genius Facebook page, which is renowned for its sophisticated, intelligent debate about serious rugby issues!

3. Yarpie of the Year: Naka Drotske

Now normally I would be a shoo-in for this award but after an incredible, hulking green effort by former Bok hardman, Naka Drotske, he has snatched certain victory from my fluorescent green grasp. Whilst quietly enjoying a braai with his family and friends, Drotske was attacked by a band of disgusting thieves brandishing deadly weapons. As a man of true courage and bravery, Drotske promptly tackled the bandits right out of his house, taking three bullets in the process. After two operations and losing almost a third of his blood, Drotske was soon giving the thumbs up to the camera. Hats off to this remarkable Yarpie warrior!  

Honorary mention: Os du Randt and the Drotske family for standing strong in the face of the aforementioned adversity.

4. Worst Ref of the Year: Angus the Gardener

Where the likes of Drotske take bullets to defend what’s good and right, little Angus the Gardener wilted under the pressure of having to award a penalty against Owen “The Chosen One” Farrell. The fact that he publicly admitted guilt a full three weeks later is the only thing stopping me from branding him a pathetic, sorry excuse for a manlet.

Honorary mention: All Kiwi refs!

5. Best Ref of the Year: Marius “Karma” Jonker

Where Gardener bottled it with the Farrell call, another Yarpie by the name of Marius Jonker actually had the brass to make a tough call by CORRECTLY ruling Courtney Lawes’ charge down of a TJ Perenara clearance as offside. The result was that England lost to the ABs by a single point, a pain that I imagine was more than equal to their joy at beating the Boks by one point thanks to Gardener’s BULLSHIT call a week earlier.

Honorary mention: All Yarpie refs, especially Jaco Peyper.

6. Rugby Game of the Year: Boks DESTROYING All Blacks 36-34

What could be more beautiful than watching the Boks ANNIHILATE the All Pacific by one point on home soil?! Even better was watching them beat the eternal enemy even while the ref was doing his utmost to engineer a “victory” for the Cartel’s All Pacific poster boys.

Honorarymention: the remaining 50% of the Bok games they actually won this year.

7. Best Player of the Year: Malcolm Marx

Even Kiwi propaganda sites named Marx the world’s best hooker, which can only mean he is the world’s greatest player. Of course, the Cartel didn’t see bestow this award on him and instead picked some sex crazed bloke from Island. Truly bizarre!

Honorarymention: Faf de Klerk.

8. Best 7s Tournament of the Year: Cape Town

If Wellington is the place where 7s tournaments go to die, then Cape Town is where they go to experience rugby heaven on earth. Beautiful scenery; gorgeous Yarpie sheilas; an incredible stadium that doesn’t double as a cricket pitch and sheep paddock; magnificent Yarpie spirit; and splendid rugby that even saw the God Emperor’s own team make the final. The only snag was that the Boks didn’t win. Personally I blame the Cartel but I hear Hillary reckons the Russians were in on it too!

Honorary mention: All the 7s tournaments the Boks won.

9. Biggest Cheats of the Year: All Blacks

Just like every year, the All Pacific poster boys managed to out manoeuvre the opposition by convincing the Cartel to let them play all their games with 16 men. What can we say? Adicash talks! Only the magnificent hulking green Springboks and emerald pretenders, Island, managed to defeat the All Pacific XVI in 2018 – although I put the Island game down to my own divine prophesy thanks to the God Emperor’s intervention. Loyal readers will know what I’m talking about.

Honorary mention: All Kiwi referees.

10. Belsonator of the Year: ???

Hmmm…who will it be? Jeff Misfit with his ‘Strayan snark (not to mention smirk)? The Proffitt of Taumarunui High School and his Kiwi witticisms? Or will it be grumpy Carpe “The Italian Job” Lone or even grumpier Andy “Vuukle Points Machine” Lewis? How about Darrell “The Business” Bendall, Jolly John Maguire, or Christopher “Nice Guy” Harris-Dewey? Peter Rotherham, Renato’s Johnsson, Ben “Teacherboy” Kerr, and Christopher “Big Daddy” Naude all played their part. And while it’s tempting to bestow this award on Eamonn Hennessy, if only for being named after a cognac, at the end of the day…..ALL the magnificent colourful Belsonators deserve victory! Well done boys, you’ve earned it!

Honorary mention: Agnes Hickey’s sucking ability edges out even that of Johnny Dayglow!

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