Island vs New Zealand: The Belson Preview!
Well boys, kiss your sheep Sheilas and thank your lucky stars because Uncle Belson has decided to grace your third world island nations with his own special brand of creative non-fiction! That’s right chaps, the God Emperor himself has given me time off to scribble a preview of the forthcoming FAKE RUGBY match between Island and the Cartel’s preciousssss marketing gimmick, the All Pacific.
Now ordinarily my analysis would boil down to one simple sentence: Island’s gonna lose! There’s no way on earth that World Rugbytainment Cartel would allow the Aotearoa International Gangsters to lose to a bunch of emerald fairies on international television. Their unlimited supply of Adicash is simply too dependent on their All Pacific marketing myth continuing to delude the world into thinking that Rugbytainment is anything other than a RIGGED FARCE with all the credibility of a WWE Championship bout.
However, strange and mysterious signs have begun to reveal themselves to me in recent days. First the Proffitt of Taumarunui High School updates his Facebook cover page with a symbol of Irish Rugby and then Beauden Barrett and All Blacks assistant match fixer Ian Foster go and tell the media how much New Zealand respects Island! But it gets even more bizarre…none other than former Springbok and general know-it-all Brendan Venter has managed to convince a Kiwi rugby propaganda site to publish an opinion piece by him claiming that Island are the favourites for this Saturday’s encounter! These are all unprecedented events in the history of Rugbytainment!
But for your absolute rugby edification, allow me to tell you about the truly astonishing rugby omen which revealed itself to me just yesterday afternoon. As I arrived home in my trusty Hilux after a day at the pub I noticed a small man escaping from the Keating bedroom window! He was a rapid one alright because before I could get a good glimpse of him he scaled the walls and disappeared into the sunset. At first I thought one of my neighbours had snuck into Mrs Keating’s bedroom but when I stormed into the kitchen there she was chained to the stove just the way I’d left her! I told her what I’d just witnessed and without skipping a beat she told me it must’ve been an Irish leprechaun who had come to give me a sign that the All Blacks were going to lose this Saturday to the fighting Irish! I was so ecstatic I unshackled her and poured us both a double brandy and coke to celebrate! The God Emperor truly works in mysterious ways!
So there you have it boys! With a little help from Mrs Keating, the Old Belsonator can reveal his prediction for Saturday: Island’s NOT gonna lose! In fact, they are going to clobber the All Blacks all the way back to New Zealand. My score prediction: 25-27…although that’s based entirely on the estimated number of double brandy and cokes I think I can consume before full time!