The Chronicles of Belson – Belson & the Beanstalk.

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    Young Belson lived with his Mammy, Hillary, in a humble cottage beside a field at the edge of town. Their circumstances were not always so humble, they used to be rich until Hillary’s husband, Belson’s Daddy, Bill ran away with their best friend Monica. “I always thought Rachel was better looking” said Hillary, bitterly, after he had gone. Things worked out fine at first, Hillary applied for the post of Director of a nearby lunatic asylum & was thought to be a shoo in for the job until they suddenly decided to give it to one of the lunatics instead.

    Hillary was devastated and that’s when things started to go bad for her & Belson. They gradually had to sell everything they had just to survive until, eventually, all they had left was their cow. “We have no food” said Hillary to Belson one morning “You’ll have to go to the market & sell the cow, make sure you get a good price for her, she’s all we have”. “Certainly” said Belson cheerily as he set off for town with the cow in tow. Belson was a firm believer in the free market, which for him meant getting rid of whatever he had to sell as quickly as possible so that he was free to do what he liked for the rest of the day. Which was nothing.

    He had just travelled a short distance down the road when he encountered an elderly Iranian man. “Wanna buy a cow?” asked Belson, hopefully. “Khomeini cows do you have?” asked the old man. “Just the one” Belson replied. “Hokay” said the old man “I will take your cow in exchange for these magic beans” he continued, holding out a handfull of coloured beans. “That’s not much of a deal” said Belson, dubiously. “I come from the Arab world” said the old man “And you know the Arab world is full of magic, flying carpets, genies in lamps etcetera etcetera etcetera yes?” he enquired of Belson. “Yeah, right” said Belson sneeringly. “Well you can ignore all that shit, they’re just stories for children” said the old man abruptly “But these beans they are truly magical my friend, but it is the magic of science, they have been infused with enriched uranium, a speciality in my country, it gives them explosive growth, you will not be disappointed”. “Wow!” said Belson, impressed “I’ll take them”. Belson handed over the cow in exchange for the beans & skipped merrily home to tell his Mammy.

    Hillary stared incredulously at the handfull of beans. “You gave away our cow in exchange for these?” “But they’re infused with enriched uranium” said Belson nervously “It gives them explosive growth”. At that point Hillary went nuclear, she grabbed the beans from Belson & threw them out the window, for the rest of the day she screamed at Belson non stop, telling him how useless he was, how stupid he was, how they were going to starve because of him. Eventually, when Hillary had worn herself out from screaming, Belson was allowed slink off to bed. Exhausted from the stress of it all he quickly fell into a deep sleep.

    The following morning Belson awoke to find his room in darkness. “This shouldn’t be” he said to himself “The sun should be streaming in through my window at this time”. He looked towards his window & saw that something outside was blocking the light. Going over to investigate he saw that a giant beanstalk had sprung up overnight, stretching up into the clouds & beyond. “Wow!” said Belson “That’s some explosive growth, that enriched uranium is seriously good shit”. His curiosity peaked, & thinking it wouldn’t be a bad idea to stay away from his mother for a bit, Belson decided to climb the beanstalk. Up & up he went, higher & higher, eventually disappearing into the clouds. A lifetime of idleness had left him with vast reserves of energy but by the time he finally broke through the clouds he was exhausted. Much to his surprise he saw solid ground all around him. Stepping off the beanstalk he looked about in wonder. Seeing a house in the distance he realized he was hungry & thirsty from the climb so decided to go there to see if he could get some food & water.

    As he got nearer to the house he realized that it was no ordinary house, it was enormous, with huge tall windows & doors. “It’s like it was built for a giant” said Belson in awe. Still, hunger & thirst drove him on until he eventually arrived outside the enormous front door. He knocked tentatively. The door opened a crack & a normal sized woman peered out at him. “Excuse me” said Belson politely “But I have travelled a long way & I wonder if you could spare me some food & a little water?” “I recognise that accent” said the woman “You’re a Yarpie, aren’t you?” “I am indeed” replied Belson. “Then you have to keep your voice down” the woman whispered, as she ushered Belson in “My husband, Richie the Giant, hates all Yarpies, he will kill you if he finds you”. Belson was too hungry to care so followed her into the kitchen. Looking at the gigantic proportions of everything around him Belson turned to the woman “So how did you come to be married to a giant then?” he enquired, conversationally. “Oh he wasn’t always a giant” she replied “When I married him he was normal sized, like you & me”. “So what happened?” asked Belson “I think it might have been something he ate” said the woman, avoiding Belson’s gaze. Belson’s antenna was up. “You poisoned him didn’t you?” he accused. “It was an accident” said the woman, defensively “I just came across an old recipe book belonging to my aunt Susie one day & thought I’d try something from it for Richie’s dinner, just for a change, I never thought this would happen”.

    Before Belson could speak further a loud roar erupted from the room adjacent “WIFE !” roared Richie the Giant “BRING ME MY SUPPER!” The woman duly bustled in with the Giant’s supper & laid it before him. The Giant sniffed his supper, then lifted his head & sniffed the air, sniffed his supper again, then sniffed the air again “FEE FIE FO FUM!” he roared “I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A YARPIE SCUM, BE HE ALIVE OR BE HE DEAD I’LL GRIND HIS BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD!” “Nonsense” said his wife “You’re hallucinating, how could a Yarpie find his way here?” “HMMPH” grunted the Giant & set about his supper.

    “You can’t actually make bread from bones” observed Belson conversationally to the woman “Sure you can grind them down to a flour-like powder but you would need a raising agent before you could attempt making bread. Now it just so happens I know an old Iranian gentleman who might be able to help you with that”. “Will you shut the fuck up before he hears you” the woman hissed at Belson. “Oh yeah, right” said Belson sheepishly. “I get in trouble for that a lot, never knowing when to shut the fuck up”. The woman glared at Belson. So he shut the fuck up.

    When he had finished eating his supper the Giant roared once more “WIFE!” he roared “BRING ME JOUBERT, MY HEN THAT LAYS THE GOLDEN EGGS!” The woman went out back & came in with a small red hen under her arm, she brought it to her husband. “JOUBERT!” roared the Giant “LAY ME A GOLDEN EGG!” Joubert dultifully layed an egg of purest, solid gold. The Giant picked up the egg gently, gazed at it admiringly, then placed it carefully atop a glittering pile of similar golden eggs in the middle of the table.

    Belson’es eyes goggled. “If I could steal some of those eggs me & my mam would be rich again” he thought to himself. Then he thought some more “Better again, I’ll steal the hen & have an endless supply of golden eggs”. So Belson waited patiently until the house was quiet & everyone was asleep. Creeping out from his hiding place he quickly grabbed Joubert & tucking her under his arm he slipped out of the house & ran for the beanstalk. “It’s alright” he said soothingly to Joubert “I won’t harm you”. “I recognise that accent” said Joubert “You’re a Yarpie aren’t you?” “I am indeed” replied Belson. “I used to be a Yarpie once” said Joubert in a sad voice “Until I turned chicken in 2011 & went over to the dark side”.

    At that point Belson glanced over his shoulder, to see the Giant pounding after them, gaining with every stride. “Jesus!” said Belson, speeding up “How did he get so close so fast?” “Started from an offside position” observed Joubert drily. Belson arrived at the beanstalk first & began to climb down as fast as he could. Richie the Giant arrived to the beanstalk late, entered from the side & immediately slowed everything down. That allowed Belson to reach the ground first. Grabbing his axe, with one sweep of the blade he chopped down the beanstalk, sending the Giant crashing to the ground. “Finest chop tackle I’ve ever seen” said Joubert admiringly. Joubert went over to inspect the now dead Giant. She looked about, seeing how out of place the Giant looked, lying there in the field. “He died as he lived, in a place he had no right to be” she observed.

    Joubert duly laid an egg of the purest solid gold every day for Belson & Hillary & they were soon wealthy again. Hillary bought up the lunatic asylum & transformed it into a refugee centre. People came there from all over the world to live, love & do drugs happily. She ran it herself, giving the previous Director to China as part of a trade deal. The Chinese put him to work extending this old wall thingey they had over there. He accepted the job joyously and, indeed, took to the task so enthusiastically that some said he could be seen from Space. Although that might be attributed to his strange, iridescent orange colour.

    Towards the end of her life Joubert became somewhat senile, sometimes confusing her eggs for rugby balls (Easy mistake, c’mon, who came up with that silly shape?). She gazed confusingly at her latest egg, first seeing egg, then seeing rugby ball, then egg, then rugby ball … until eventually it even started to look like a scotch egg. “Oh dear” she said “Have I made a balls of things again?” Then she breathed her last.

    The end.

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