EXCLUSIVE: New Zealand Launches Space Programme!
New Zealand, the tiny island-nation lost among the South Pacific seaweed beneath Australia, has launched its very own space programme in an attempt to find new worlds large enough to contain its enormous rugby ego.
In an act of patriotic self-sacrifice Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has volunteered her er… “services” to her sheep infested nation by agreeing to accompany All Black eighth man Kieran Reed on an all-expenses paid around-the-universe journey to explore man’s….sorry, humankind’s final frontier. The news comes after New Zealand’s 40-12 rugby victory over neighbouring no-hopers Australia sent the Kiwis into fits of rugby arrogance the likes of which have not been seen since the national sheep shearing squad, aka the Black Sheeps, trounced Australia by 120 shorn ewes to 110 in the trans-Tasman shearing tourney of 1976.
So spectacularly enormous has Kiwi rugby arrogance become that the New Zealand Herald’s Chris Rattue has demanded that World Rugbytainment™ Cartel “just give us the World Cup now!” If you don’t believe me, just look at what old Rattool had to say:
“It’s time to jump the gun…They might as well hand over the Webb Ellis Cup now, with the All Blacks looking this good. If this All Blacks team holds together —and that’s no gimme considering some of the players’ ages and injury histories — they will be unbeatable at the World Cup in Japan next year.”
It is an unprecedented demand to make, even for a nation of one-eyed rugby monsters like New Zealand. However, the Belson News Network understands that the Cartel is seriously considering doing just that, based largely on the recommendation of their permanent in-house rugby consultant Paddy O’Kickback. Sources within Ardern’s cabinet have told us New Zealand has already approved a preliminary name for the new planet should it be found: Planet Adicash.
But believe it or not, it doesn’t end there! Hillbilly Hansen himself is now demanding that the New Zealand government provide tax breaks for the All Blacks?! What’s next, a suspension of the laws of rugby that allow the ABs to pass forward while everyone else has to pass backwards? (Oh sorry, that’s already the case).
Of course, experts have said that the chances of finding a world large enough to contain the collective rugby arrogance of New Zealand is a near impossible task. The Belson News Network consulted a renowned expert who, for his own safety asked to remain anonymous. He had the following to say:
“First of all, New Zealand’s so-called greatness is nothing but a SCAM thanks to the RIGGED rugby matches orchestrated by World Rugbytainment™ Cartel and its merry band of thieves, also known as referees. Secondly, even if this weren’t the case – WHICH IT IS!! – no world would be big enough to contain the arrogance off the average All Pacific supporter even if you threw all the Adicash in the world at it! Why can’t Kiwis be more like us Saffas? We are the most humble people in the world!”
Who are we at Rugbytainment.com to argue with such impeccable wisdom?