Category: rugby

Aussie Ref Nic Berry is a Cheat!

Australia has unleashed yet another cheating referee to target the Springboks with blatant bending – nay BREAKING – of the laws of rugby in order to rob South Africa of victory against our sworn enemies! Proof has emerged that Autralian referee Nic Berry FORCED Handre Pollard to take the final kick against the All Blacks…

By Belson Keating 29th Jul 2019 Off

Boks Mugged in Wellington!

The Springboks have survived an horrific mugging in Wellington that robbed them of certain victory over the All Pacific poster boys thanks to the deranged antics of an intoxicated Australian who used his whistle to commit a brazen heist in full view of the 36,000 spectators who crammed into the giant shack the Kiwis call…

By Belson Keating 27th Jul 2019 Off

The Cartel’s League of Extraordinary Deception!

Just when you thought it was safe to dismiss Old Uncle Belson as a deranged conspiracy theorist, World Rugbytainment™ Cartel itself reveals an evil plot to DESTROY the sacred game of rugby by turning it into a globalist made-for-TV sports entertainment soap opera the likes of which we haven’t seen since the God Emperor shaved…

By Belson Keating 3rd Mar 2019 Off

President Belson BUILDS A WALL!

My Fellow Belsonators, as the benevolent ruler of the Belsonian Empire I have invoked my executive powers to ensure the construction of an impenetrable, physical, tall, powerful, beautiful, Rugbytainment WALL! And New Zealand will pay for the wall! Due to unprecedented and ongoing invasions of my Facebook page by Celtic vandals from Island and their…

By Belson Keating 18th Feb 2019 Off

How Richie McCaw RUINED My Christmas!

Greetings boys and Happy 2019 – if such a thing is even possible after the horrible festive season I just endured! In an entirely unexpected twist of fate, the final week of last year ended in Cartel-created catastrophe….and it’s all Richie McCaw’s fault! Gather around broskis, because boy does Uncle Belson have a story for…

By Belson Keating 5th Jan 2019 Off

The 2018 Rugbytainment™ Awards!

Well boys, after a long, hard year of MAKING RUGBY GREAT AGAIN the one true Belson has donned his thinking cap and compiled a list of deserving winners for the inaugral Rugbytainment.com awards ceremony. In the name of transparency, decency and professionalism I have enlisted the help of two independent analysts, Mrs Suzie Keating and…

By Belson Keating 11th Dec 2018 Off

Artful Aussies Snake White!

How do you outsnake a snake? Just ask the artful Aussie sheilas who just outsnaked the most venomous serpent in all of Rugbytainment™: Jake “The Snake” White! Apparently the story goes that old Jake managed to wrangle a conference call with none other than Raelene Castle .. aka You Know Who 😉 .. to presumably…

By Belson Keating 30th Nov 2018 Off

Angus the Gardener ADMITS Guilt!

Angus the Gardener, the man who committed Bryce Larceny against the Sprinboks by robbing them of a magnificent hulking green victory over the Poms just a couple of weeks ago, has ADMITTED that he was wrong when he turned a blind eye to Owen Farrell’s blatantly illegal tackle in the dying seconds of the test…

By Belson Keating 28th Nov 2018 Off

A Weekend of FAKE Rugby!

Another weekend, another round of bullsh!t FAKE rugby in its purest form! Only the Cartel itself could have dreamed up a script that would have allowed Wales to beat the Springboks, Fiji to take down France and their preciousssss All Pacific to run riot over Italy – all on the same day! Of course, the…

By Belson Keating 25th Nov 2018 Off

Boks to Harpoon Wales!

Call me Belson (Mr Belson if you’re a Kiwi) but strange signs have begun to reveal themselves to me again this week! Just a few days ago, while I was er….harpooning Mrs Keating, I suddenly had a revelation! I..er, came.. to the conclusion that the Boks are going to harpoon Wales as well! I was…

By Belson Keating 23rd Nov 2018 Off

Island Overcome the Darkness!

It’s happened boys! Island have done it for Uncle Belson and overcome the forces of rugby darkness by slaying the All Pacific poster boys by 16 points to 9 in Dublin! What’s more they did it despite Stuart Barnes overlooking an array of criminal acts by the Aotearoa International Gangsters, which ranged from deliberate slapping down of…

By Belson Keating 17th Nov 2018 Off

Boks PULVERIZE the Skirts!

The magnificent hulking green Springboks have dismantled the Skirts by 26 incredible points to 20, sending the precious little flowers of Scotland back to the drawing board to think again. Not even serial Bok hater and known Cartel agent, Romain Poite, could save the hapless haggis eaters from the brave warriors of Yarpie land. Handre…

By Belson Keating 17th Nov 2018 Off

Island vs New Zealand: The Belson Preview!

Well boys, kiss your sheep Sheilas and thank your lucky stars because Uncle Belson has decided to grace your third world island nations with his own special brand of creative non-fiction! That’s right chaps, the God Emperor himself has given me time off to scribble a preview of the forthcoming FAKE RUGBY match between Island…

By Belson Keating 15th Nov 2018 Off

NZ 16 – 15 ENG: Ain’t Karma a Bitch?

“We’re obviously devastated.” Those were the words of England coach Eddie Jones after his side’s spectacular 16-15 LOSS to World Rugbytainment Cartel’s precioussssss All Blacks. Of course, from a Yarpie perspective we’re obviously delighted that the Poms are devastated, especially after their hypocritical defense of Owen Farrell’s illegal tackle last week. But as they say…

By Belson Keating 11th Nov 2018 Off

Arrest Angus the Gardener Immediately!

Yes, you read that correctly folks! But just in case you didn’t, let me repeat myself: ARREST ANGUS THE GARDENER IMMEDIATELY! It took all my willpower not to call him Anus the Gardener but because I am a decent person I won’t sink to the Australian’s level. Even so, arrest the incompetent swine immediately! Now…

By Belson Keating 4th Nov 2018 Off

Boks VANQUISH All Blacks 36-34!

The magnificent hulking green Springboks have VANQUISHED the Evil All Pacific empire and its Cartel ref Nigel Owens. Old Owens, aka the “Welsh Kiwi”, did his utmost to keep his precioussssssss All Pacific in the game. In a farcical display of rugby insanity he blatantly ignored the fact that BOTH the All Black’s opening tries…

By Belson Keating 15th Sep 2018 Off

A Calm, Measured Response to the Bok Loss

Well chaps, I have deliberately waited for more than 24 hours after the Boks’ horrific 23-18 loss to Australia over the weekend so that I could apply my incredible mind and respond in a calm, measured and reasonable manner. After a day of painstaking analysis, careful deliberation and rational pontification, I can come to only one…

By Belson Keating 9th Sep 2018 Off

All Pacific Drown Pumas!

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother following the FARCE that is the Cartel’s World Rugbytainment™ mafia shakedown show. As if any of us were in any doubt as to the outcome of this “match”, the Kiwis predictably emerged “victorious” – just like the Cartel planned! Predictably the Cartel’s preciousssssss marketing gimmick triumphed over Los…

By Belson Keating 9th Sep 2018 Off

EXCLUSIVE: New Zealand Launches Space Programme!

New Zealand, the tiny island-nation lost among the South Pacific seaweed beneath Australia, has launched its very own space programme in an attempt to find new worlds large enough to contain its enormous rugby ego. In an act of patriotic self-sacrifice Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has volunteered her er… “services” to her sheep infested nation…

By Belson Keating 27th Aug 2018 Off

Los Pumas Devour PATHETIC Boks!

That’s it folks. The Rugbytainment SCAMpionship is effectively OVER! Just cancel the whole charade right now and award the trophy to New Zealand. We all know that was the Cartel’s original plan anyway. The Bumble Boks have just made it easier for them by going down 32-19 to Los Pumas in what can only be…

By Belson Keating 26th Aug 2018 Off

Aussie Sheilas Get SCAMMED!

Well folks, the Cheating Kiwis have a new trick! Their latest act of rugby malfeasance involves getting their players to run on to Aaron Smith’s blatant forward passes from the base of the ruck. Old Aaron was so forward you’d have sworn he’d wondered into the female toilets at his local airport. In fact, this ploy…

By Belson Keating 25th Aug 2018 Off

“A Yarpie Stole My Bledisloe!”

Greetings Bitches! I know I haven’t graced you with my incredible analysis for some time but the God Emperor had seconded me to attend to a matter of the utmost importance. Trade wars don’t just negotiate themselves you know! They require the delicate diplomatic skills that only yours truly can provide. Now that my job…

By Belson Keating 20th Aug 2018 Off

Uncle Belson’s Weekend Super RIGGED Rugby Wrap!

Well chaps, old Uncle Belsonator has been LITERALLY inundated with requests to do match previews. While this impudent suggestion is under consideration by the BNN editorial board, the truth is that I am far more adept at analysing the past than predicting the future. After all, it’s hard to fight FAKE TRUTH before it’s actually…

By Belson Keating 1st Jul 2018 Off