Category: blog

Artful Aussies Snake White!

How do you outsnake a snake? Just ask the artful Aussie sheilas who just outsnaked the most venomous serpent in all of Rugbytainment™: Jake “The Snake” White! Apparently the story goes that old Jake managed to wrangle a conference call with none other than Raelene Castle .. aka You Know Who 😉 .. to presumably…

By Belson Keating 30th Nov 2018 Off

Angus the Gardener ADMITS Guilt!

Angus the Gardener, the man who committed Bryce Larceny against the Sprinboks by robbing them of a magnificent hulking green victory over the Poms just a couple of weeks ago, has ADMITTED that he was wrong when he turned a blind eye to Owen Farrell’s blatantly illegal tackle in the dying seconds of the test…

By Belson Keating 28th Nov 2018 Off

A Weekend of FAKE Rugby!

Another weekend, another round of bullsh!t FAKE rugby in its purest form! Only the Cartel itself could have dreamed up a script that would have allowed Wales to beat the Springboks, Fiji to take down France and their preciousssss All Pacific to run riot over Italy – all on the same day! Of course, the…

By Belson Keating 25th Nov 2018 Off

Boks to Harpoon Wales!

Call me Belson (Mr Belson if you’re a Kiwi) but strange signs have begun to reveal themselves to me again this week! Just a few days ago, while I was er….harpooning Mrs Keating, I suddenly had a revelation! I..er, came.. to the conclusion that the Boks are going to harpoon Wales as well! I was…

By Belson Keating 23rd Nov 2018 Off

Island Overcome the Darkness!

It’s happened boys! Island have done it for Uncle Belson and overcome the forces of rugby darkness by slaying the All Pacific poster boys by 16 points to 9 in Dublin! What’s more they did it despite Stuart Barnes overlooking an array of criminal acts by the Aotearoa International Gangsters, which ranged from deliberate slapping down of…

By Belson Keating 17th Nov 2018 Off

Boks PULVERIZE the Skirts!

The magnificent hulking green Springboks have dismantled the Skirts by 26 incredible points to 20, sending the precious little flowers of Scotland back to the drawing board to think again. Not even serial Bok hater and known Cartel agent, Romain Poite, could save the hapless haggis eaters from the brave warriors of Yarpie land. Handre…

By Belson Keating 17th Nov 2018 Off

Island vs New Zealand: The Belson Preview!

Well boys, kiss your sheep Sheilas and thank your lucky stars because Uncle Belson has decided to grace your third world island nations with his own special brand of creative non-fiction! That’s right chaps, the God Emperor himself has given me time off to scribble a preview of the forthcoming FAKE RUGBY match between Island…

By Belson Keating 15th Nov 2018 Off

NZ 16 – 15 ENG: Ain’t Karma a Bitch?

“We’re obviously devastated.” Those were the words of England coach Eddie Jones after his side’s spectacular 16-15 LOSS to World Rugbytainment Cartel’s precioussssss All Blacks. Of course, from a Yarpie perspective we’re obviously delighted that the Poms are devastated, especially after their hypocritical defense of Owen Farrell’s illegal tackle last week. But as they say…

By Belson Keating 11th Nov 2018 Off

Arrest Angus the Gardener Immediately!

Yes, you read that correctly folks! But just in case you didn’t, let me repeat myself: ARREST ANGUS THE GARDENER IMMEDIATELY! It took all my willpower not to call him Anus the Gardener but because I am a decent person I won’t sink to the Australian’s level. Even so, arrest the incompetent swine immediately! Now…

By Belson Keating 4th Nov 2018 Off

Boks VANQUISH All Blacks 36-34!

The magnificent hulking green Springboks have VANQUISHED the Evil All Pacific empire and its Cartel ref Nigel Owens. Old Owens, aka the “Welsh Kiwi”, did his utmost to keep his precioussssssss All Pacific in the game. In a farcical display of rugby insanity he blatantly ignored the fact that BOTH the All Black’s opening tries…

By Belson Keating 15th Sep 2018 Off

A Calm, Measured Response to the Bok Loss

Well chaps, I have deliberately waited for more than 24 hours after the Boks’ horrific 23-18 loss to Australia over the weekend so that I could apply my incredible mind and respond in a calm, measured and reasonable manner. After a day of painstaking analysis, careful deliberation and rational pontification, I can come to only one…

By Belson Keating 9th Sep 2018 Off

All Pacific Drown Pumas!

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother following the FARCE that is the Cartel’s World Rugbytainment™ mafia shakedown show. As if any of us were in any doubt as to the outcome of this “match”, the Kiwis predictably emerged “victorious” – just like the Cartel planned! Predictably the Cartel’s preciousssssss marketing gimmick triumphed over Los…

By Belson Keating 9th Sep 2018 Off

EXCLUSIVE: New Zealand Launches Space Programme!

New Zealand, the tiny island-nation lost among the South Pacific seaweed beneath Australia, has launched its very own space programme in an attempt to find new worlds large enough to contain its enormous rugby ego. In an act of patriotic self-sacrifice Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has volunteered her er… “services” to her sheep infested nation…

By Belson Keating 27th Aug 2018 Off

Los Pumas Devour PATHETIC Boks!

That’s it folks. The Rugbytainment SCAMpionship is effectively OVER! Just cancel the whole charade right now and award the trophy to New Zealand. We all know that was the Cartel’s original plan anyway. The Bumble Boks have just made it easier for them by going down 32-19 to Los Pumas in what can only be…

By Belson Keating 26th Aug 2018 Off

Aussie Sheilas Get SCAMMED!

Well folks, the Cheating Kiwis have a new trick! Their latest act of rugby malfeasance involves getting their players to run on to Aaron Smith’s blatant forward passes from the base of the ruck. Old Aaron was so forward you’d have sworn he’d wondered into the female toilets at his local airport. In fact, this ploy…

By Belson Keating 25th Aug 2018 Off

“A Yarpie Stole My Bledisloe!”

Greetings Bitches! I know I haven’t graced you with my incredible analysis for some time but the God Emperor had seconded me to attend to a matter of the utmost importance. Trade wars don’t just negotiate themselves you know! They require the delicate diplomatic skills that only yours truly can provide. Now that my job…

By Belson Keating 20th Aug 2018 Off

Uncle Belson’s Weekend Super RIGGED Rugby Wrap!

Well chaps, old Uncle Belsonator has been LITERALLY inundated with requests to do match previews. While this impudent suggestion is under consideration by the BNN editorial board, the truth is that I am far more adept at analysing the past than predicting the future. After all, it’s hard to fight FAKE TRUTH before it’s actually…

By Belson Keating 1st Jul 2018 Off

Brad Thorn’s Ironic Whingeing About the Ref!

Granny Schadenfreude Keating always used to say: “You should never laugh at the misfortune of others unless it’s funny.” Well in that case, BWHAHAHAAHAHAHAAA at Brad Thorn’s ironic whingeing about the current diabolical standard of refereeing! Of course, Big Bad Bwad was having a good cry after the team he coaches, the Reds, went down…

By Belson Keating 29th Jun 2018 Off

God Destroy NZ’s Anthem!

American singer Chrystal Collins has got New Zealanders in an an absolute tizz for butchering their precioussss national anthem – or enthem as the Kiwis call it – live on international television. The Kiwi FAKE NEWS media are already calling it the worst rendition of New Zealand’s national song at a sporting event EVER! Well…

By Belson Keating 26th Jun 2018 Off

Belson’s Hot vs Not-So-Hot Weekend Roundup!

Professor Belson’s weekend roundup of who deserves a special Belson Approved™ inclusion in the SMOKING HOT section versus the chumps, charlatans and Kiwi trolls who get dumped into the NOT-SO-HOT camp.   SMOKING HOT Rugbytainment.Com: The world’s GREATEST Rugbytainment™ site ever is just one week old and already it’s striking the fear of the God…

By Belson Keating 25th Jun 2018 Off

Brave English Bayonet Hapless Bumble Boks

Well, it’s official. The brave English have snapped a six game losing streak by beating the Boks 25-10 at Newlands. While they still lost the test series 2-1 they completely and utterly outplayed a hapless, bumbling Bok team that looked like it didn’t really feel like being out in the rain in Cape Town yesterday.…

By Belson Keating 24th Jun 2018 Off

Cartel Wins Another Series for NZ!

Well, well, well…another week another bulls#@*% refereeing decision that hands the game to New Zealand on a silver platter. It’s only a matter of time now before the Kiwis officially change their national anthem to Cartel Defend New Zealand. Not only did Irish ref George Lacey (the Kiwi trolls claim his name is John) fulfil…

By Belson Keating 24th Jun 2018 Off