Boks Mugged in Wellington!
The Springboks have survived an horrific mugging in Wellington that robbed them of certain victory over the All Pacific poster boys thanks to the deranged antics of an intoxicated Australian who used his whistle to commit a brazen heist in full view of the 36,000 spectators who crammed into the giant shack the Kiwis call the Cake Tin.
What’s worse, the culprit was none other than Australian referee, Nic Berry, who proceeded to honour his convict ancestors by ransacking Bok dreams on international television! A deranged Berry plundered the Boks with mindless penalty after mindless penalty, all the while turning a blind eye to about a dozen All Black forward passes that were so blatant one can only imagine that Bryce Lawrence and Paddy O’Brien were manning the touchlines.
Fortunately the Boks escaped with only a few minor cuts and bruises and were able to rescue the situation in the dying seconds thanks to a piece of individual brilliance by Hershel Janjies. The result was a 16-all draw leaving the All Blacks (and Berry) fuming!
Fortunately, inspector Belson was on the case and has compiled a comprehensive rap sheet that should see Berry incarcerated for life in the ‘Strayan Outback! I hereby present my case to the judge, jury and executioner….
The All Blacks’ first try was FAKE! Barret put his foot on the touchline before passing to Goodhue. Don’t believe me, go look at the video (36:35) or simply observe this devastating piece of visual evidence….of course, the touch judge miraculously “missed” it.
Berry, and his incompetent touch judges, failed miserably to police the lineouts thereby allowing the All Blacks to illegally close the gap and force the Bok hooker to take a step sideways towards his own try line. This is an old tactic used by the All Blacks and one that is blatantly illegal!
With 72:29 minutes on the clock the All Blacks knocked the ball on at the ruck but Berry mysteriously claimed he hadn’t seen it and then bizarrely awarded the Aotearoa International Gangsters a (FAKE!) penalty!
Berry missed at least a dozen forward passes by the All Blacks. Or at least, that’s how many glasses of brandy and cokes I smashed against the wall during the game! Either way, Berry was bad!
Berry incorrectly pinged Duane Vermeulen for a legal steal at a ruck, which resulted yet another FAKE All Black penalty! By this time I was smashing windows!
Apparently leopard crawling for five meters after you’ve been tackled is perfectly legal as long as you’re wearing an All Black jersey. Sonny Bob Showpony was particularly guilty of this but of course, Berry saw nothing!
So there you have it folks, strike the gavel and tie the noose because Berry the Bandit has been proven guilty beyond any shadow of a Belson doubt! As a sign of my incredible benevolence I am willing to commute the sentence to life imprisonment in Canberra if Berry agrees to refund me for my smashed Brandy glasses.