Arrest Angus the Gardener Immediately!
Yes, you read that correctly folks! But just in case you didn’t, let me repeat myself: ARREST ANGUS THE GARDENER IMMEDIATELY! It took all my willpower not to call him Anus the Gardener but because I am a decent person I won’t sink to the Australian’s level. Even so, arrest the incompetent swine immediately! Now I’m sure there will be Kiwi trolls and World Cup thieves who will plead for sanity and say that I should calm down! HA! Well, I’m way ahead of you Kiwis! Now is precisely the time for INSANITY! Just like you have to fight fire with fire, so you must fight rugby insanity with even more insanity! Someone call the FBI! Ring 911! Get me Scotland Yard! Hell, even the South African Police will do. We need this Australian in shackles ASAP so he can’t do any more damage on the rugby field! Contact WikiLeaks! Scour the Panama Papers! Put in an emergency Tweet to Kim Dotcom and Julian Assange! Something is rotten with the state of rugby, and the Old Belsonator is on to it! How else do you explain the completely ridiculous and absolutely INSANE decision to rule that Owen Farrel’s “tackle” on hulking green Springbok hero, Andre Esterhuizen, had “enough arms” in it to be legit! If ever there was a paid for, Cartel-inspired, hometown decision it was this one! Can you imagine if a Springbok had put in a tackle like that in the dying minutes against a precious little Pom? Hell I remember Jannes Labuschagne getting sent off at Twickers by none other than Bryce Lawrence’s mentor, Paddy O’Brien, for committing the mortal sin of running into Johnny “Snow White” Wilkinson. Hell, look at how Bismarck got sent off for putting in a proper hard hit on Dan Carter just a few years ago? It’s a f&%#ing travesty of justice I tell you! But enough of the reason and logic, let’s take a look at the cold hard, visual evidence. I give you Exhibit A in Gardener’s treason trial:
How in f#%&s name is that a fair tackle? But of course, when you put on your Cartel-sponsored, English rose tinted glasses it miraculously looks like this:
Ah yes, there’s the arm that Gardener, his TMO and all the Pom cheerleaders have been talking about. Somehow it was invisible to mere mortal Yarpie eyes when played in real time. It was only with the benefit of a freeze frame and some digital enhancement that us humble okes from the bottom of Africa were able to behold its miraculous existence! But wait, the rugby insanity doesn’t stop there. None other than Brian O’Driscoll, the Irishman who on a quiet night can still be heard whining about Tana Umaga’s tackle on him during the 2005 Lions tour to New Zealand, is now defending Farrell! Believe it or not, here is Exhibit B:
Is the oke drunk posting or is he just angling for a Lions coaching position when they next tour South Africa so he can attempt to make amends for helping the Lions LOSE to the Mighty Boks in 2009? Either way, you can rest assured that I have informed Mr O’Driscoll of my displeasure. I await his contrition. But in the meantime, tell me this O’Dristool…if the tackle was so legitimate then why did Farrell dance around like a little English schoolgirl who’d just won a date with Prince Harry the minute he learnt Gardener wasn’t going to award a penalty? Because he knew he’d gotten away with YARPIE MURDER!
But wait! There’s more! Not only did Farrell illegally shoulder charge Esterhuizen to the face, he was also offside when he did so! And if you didn’t already think my case was closed, I’ll throw in further evidence that Johnny May tried to decapitate Jesse Kriel in the previous movement. I give you Exhibits C and D:
Well there you have it boys! Let the gavel be struck against the nearest Kiwi’s head! The case is closed! Senior Yarpie Counsel, the one and only Belson Keating Y.C., has WRECKED Gardener in the court of Belson’s law! No need for a jury. Issue the arrest warrant and alert Interpol before Gardener escapes to Convict Island..aka Australia!
(Meanwhile….back at Cartel headquarters….)