All Pacific Drown Pumas!

All Pacific Drown Pumas!

9th Sep 2018 Off By Belson Keating

Sometimes I really wonder why I bother following the FARCE that is the Cartel’s World Rugbytainment™ mafia shakedown show. As if any of us were in any doubt as to the outcome of this “match”, the Kiwis predictably emerged “victorious” – just like the Cartel planned! Predictably the Cartel’s preciousssssss marketing gimmick triumphed over Los Pumas by 46 stolen points to 24. *YAWN* As per usual we were treated to the customary Kiwi sideshow of some bloke (or was it a sheila?) singing Cartel Defend New Zealand followed by a theatrical war dance, and then finally…once all the bets had been placed and bookiees paid off with YUGE wads of Adicash….the RIGGED game finally got underway.

The choreography went according to plan right from the start when some bloke with a beard scored an okayish try for Argentina. This sent the Kiwi commentator into an absolute frenzy as he declared it the “best try of the test match!” Well excuse Professor Belson as he politely asks, “What the actual fcuk?” How the hell do you declare the first try of the game – scored 14 minutes and 50 seconds into the game – as “the best try of the test match”??Well allow Uncle Belson to explain: IT’S BECAUSE THE WHOLE FRIGGIN THING WAS RIGGED!!! The Kiwi commentator was obviously reading off of a script handed to him by the Cartel’s henchmen. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was held at gun point and forced to say it on international television for fear of his life!

Of course, Mrs Keating did suggest that perhaps I had misheard the crooked Kiwi due to their well-known struggles with the English language. She even suggested that perhaps the Kiwi was merely saying the Argie had scored the “first” try of the test and not the “best” try of the test. Well all I can tell you boys as that she’ll never cheek me like that again!!! But back to the rugbytainment™….

Just as I expected the Cartel hit back immediately and instructed the ref via his microphone to ignore all Kiwi indiscretions for a while. They soon capitalised by stringing together a series of perfectly weighted forward passes, interspersed with some deliberate blocking, the odd punch and a series of cheap kicks, to sent some oke named after a Skud missile over in the corner. *DOUBLE YAWN*

At a loss for what to do I threw my glass of brandy and coke against the wall, which created a huge problem, as it meant I had to get up and go pour another one. I couldn’t even instruct Mrs Keating to do it for me as she’d gone and locked herself in the bathroom again! I was still walking to the kitchen when I head a shrill blow of the whistle and the blatantly biased Kiwi commentators screaming in an aggressive tone: “TJ Perenara has scored!” *TRIPLE YAWN*

Thankfully the gods of half time granted me a reprieve so I decided to go and kick down the bathroom door so Mrs Keating could make me  lunch! After some gentle persuasion I eventually coaxed her out and sat down for the start of the second half. Big mistake!

Predictably the Cartel allowed the Argies to score the first try of the second 40 minutes in a blatant attempt to keep TV ratings afloat in Argentina. But of course, it was all a ruse! Soon the All Pacific were running in FAKE try after FAKE try. It was a total shambles! A half dozen smashed glasses later the crappy game was over. But just when Mrs Keating thought the kitchenware was safe the stupid Kiwi commentator had to go and say: “You can’t deny the brilliance of this All Black team.”

“WTF?!!!” I responded. “Of course, I can!” and promptly propelled another crystal tumbler into the masonry.

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